A Disturbing Trend
This past Friday, SwD, Atlas, the Birds, Robin (my boyfriend) and I went to dinner. All went swimmingly until dessert, when dear Robin made a Most Perturbing Observation (MPO). In payment for the aforementioned MPO, I delivered three (3) sharp kicks to Robin's shins. And I got very, very angry.
Later, in the car, I said to Robin, "Remember what you said that made me kick you in the shins?"
In the legal world, this might be called a leading question. You see, I myself did not remember what Robin said that made me so very, very angry. I was hoping he'd say, "You mean when I said your ass is so large that your pants stay up due to gravitational pull? Side clutcher, that was!"
Then, I could say, "Oh, how could you, when you know how sensitive I am about gravitational pull!?"
But no. He said, "Sure don't." So I had to admit that I was angry over something I couldn't remember. This is not what they call "firm ground."
And then today, I discovered my shopping list from the weekend, which reads exactly as follows:
This past Friday, SwD, Atlas, the Birds, Robin (my boyfriend) and I went to dinner. All went swimmingly until dessert, when dear Robin made a Most Perturbing Observation (MPO). In payment for the aforementioned MPO, I delivered three (3) sharp kicks to Robin's shins. And I got very, very angry.
Later, in the car, I said to Robin, "Remember what you said that made me kick you in the shins?"
In the legal world, this might be called a leading question. You see, I myself did not remember what Robin said that made me so very, very angry. I was hoping he'd say, "You mean when I said your ass is so large that your pants stay up due to gravitational pull? Side clutcher, that was!"
Then, I could say, "Oh, how could you, when you know how sensitive I am about gravitational pull!?"
But no. He said, "Sure don't." So I had to admit that I was angry over something I couldn't remember. This is not what they call "firm ground."
And then today, I discovered my shopping list from the weekend, which reads exactly as follows:
- matches
- detergent
- sho inserts
Yup, sho inserts. As in, "She sho inserts herself into da business of others."
A disturbing trend, indeed.
posted by Jean Luc Petard at
6:08 PM
5 Comments:
Maybe I was mocking your short term memory, although if I can't remember either, that doesn't speak much to mine. I do remember the kicks hurting, though, so there's that.
P.S. When I'm making "your ass is large" jokes, I go with a line I wrote during my very brief stint as an MC: "Your butt's too big to be real, must be a Mercator projection." Yes, cartographic jokes were all the rage in 1999.
By
paperback reader, at 10:27 PM
I think the best way to bring up someone's pants size is just to mention the acreage of their "back yard" and if they look like they might take a swing at you, quickly throw in something about flowers and landscaping.
Hello!
By
The Guv'ner, at 9:14 PM
What if they then say, "I live in an apartment?"
Other than that, however, I love the euphemism "back yard" and will begin subtly working it in to my conversations.
By
paperback reader, at 11:23 AM
How about "I see that you need to landscape the northern acreage of your backyard?" Gross!
Hi, Kater.
By
Jean Luc Petard, at 4:33 PM
I was thinking along the lines of, "Wow, that back yard needs to be plowed. It's been awhile, hasn't it?"
Then, she'd say, "Nice try, but this field's laying fallow this year due to my crop rotation plans," and I would retort, "As long as we're using double entendres that were also boldfaced terms in my ninth grade history textbook, you should let me hunt and gather around your fertile crescent."
She would naturally respond, "I'll barely remember you tomorrow, like the Smoot-Hawley Tariff Act," and fall into my arms, but I'd be turned off - not by the fact that my exertions would be forgotten, but because that was totally 20th century U.S. history, which was tenth grade, and so she's broken character and this role-playing isn't working for me anymore, but my safety/control word was (oddly enough) "Smoot-Hawley Tariff Act," so that when I say it she thinks I'm just playing along, and I feel as uncomfortable as you do reading this comment but she won't stop.
By
paperback reader, at 12:18 AM
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